What to do?

What to do when your mind tells you to do one thing and your heart tells you to do another? This is the most confusing and the most difficult thing you can face. The heart is supposed to be your guide for love, but for some reason it always steers you in the wrong direction. Then your mind is the most sensible part in this equation, but you tend not to listen to it at all!!! So what do you think you are suppose to do. I would usually have the answer for this and everything else, but this just leaves me stumped and perplexed. Lately predicaments beyond my control have left me in such an emotional stupor that I don't know what I am supposed to do......listen to the heart or the mind? Thinking that my life was in this perpetual bliss and I had nothing to worry about....boy was i so wrong! Everything that I had or have gave me such an artificial safety net, that it has turned me upside down and back around. The confusion that I am facing daily makes my head hurt and my butt itch at the same time....don't know what end to console. Don't really have no one to turn to or confide in, because I am usually the counselor everyone comes to with their bullshit problems and mishaps. No one bothers to ask whats going on in my life that got me so down in the dumps. I guess that is expected when you put up a portrayal of the one who has it all together. I give myself a false sense of a fantasy reality. I guess this blogs intention is just to vent and to let myself know that I can feel again, and I will be all right. To see it written down is like my cheap form of therapy. It's a temporary fix, but I know I am strong enough to hold my own and will be able to know how to find the difference between my heart and my mind.........teaching me to know what to do.

When you are lost in love.......

What do you do to pull yourself out? In so deep that you can't climb or dig yourself up out of the grave of despair. You claim this is where you want to be, or at least you convince yourself that it is right. But you know deep down in your heart that it is toxic and now you are tainted, and somewhat undesirable. Undesirable to the next one....the one that may reciprocate the same wonderment about what love really is. The one that would get lost with you and won't want to escape. The rapture of the two of you experiencing this "surrender-free" kind of love. So how lost do you have to be in order to be able to release yourself from the bondage of heartache........Just wanted to know.

Friends?

Why are friendships so hard to maintain? Give you a headache and a ulcer all at the same time? I sit thinking about a friendship that means the world to me, but sometimes being in this "relationship" makes my ass itch! I love her so much, but I don't understand her logic about how she thinks my availability is suppose to be for her. Like, why does she feel I can drop what I'm doing for my family and run and do for hers. Now, this is mainly my fault, because I have allowed this to happen on numerous occasions. I love her dearly, but sometimes I feel like we are dating and I'm not even getting fucked! Is this considered a normal friendship or am I just exception? I think my biggest problem with friends is that I don't know how to say "No". I also have a bad problem or guilt with hurting some one's feelings. But in the long run my feelings don't even get considered and I' the one who ends up hurt ( go figure?).

So I ask God for guidance and direction to handle my friends better. I ask others for advice and they tell me I don't need friends, because it's too much trouble. I find it hard to except that advice, because I love the companionship of friends and I hate to be alone. So it seems like I need some professional help to analyze my brain and get it together!

Well I've kind of secluded myself from close relationship for about a month to get myself together. I will continue to pray and hope things will get better for me and my friends.

Please......Can The Real Women Stand Up!

I just want this to go out to the "girls" who call themselves "women" and really don't live up to the title. I know I usually go hard on the men, but we as "women" are the foundation that create these problems with men, so I'm calling out these so called women. I'm just sick of these conversations with these women that have nothing intelligent to say, and nothing comes out of their mouth but gobs and gobs of mindless dribble. Then that is topped off with repetitive talks about sorry husbands, dumb-ass baby-daddies, bad ass kids, and excuses why they can't do better in their life! I'm sick of it , because I am aware there are problems in life (Lord knows I have them too!), but I feel real women find ways to fix it or take advice from another older, wiser, or more experienced women.

A lot of things we as women go through is so self inflicted that it ridiculous! If I could create a list or rules for a "girl" to follow to develop into a woman I think it would go as follows:

1.) STOP SLEEPING WITH THESE SORRY ASS MEN AND CREATING AND RE-CREATING CHILDREN WITH HIM; THAT WILL NOT WIN YOU A LIFETIME OF LOVE.

2.) TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN DAMN KIDS. IT IS NOT THE GRANDMOTHER'S RESPONSIBILITY TO GIVE YOU A BREAK. SHE ALREADY RAISED HER KIDS.....NOW GO AND RAISE YOURS!!!!

3.) SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF AND STOP GIVING THE "POOTIE" AWAY SO QUICKLY AND THINKING YOU'RE GOING TO GAIN SOMETHING FROM THESE MEN. LET HIM TREAT YOU, WINE AND DINE, AND SEE WHAT HE'S ABOUT FIRST. REAL MEN DON'T LIKE HOS!!!

4.) MAKE PLANS FOR YOUR FUTURE SO IT MAY INFLUENCE AND HELP FUTURE GENERATIONS; ESPECIALLY YOUR KIDS.

5.) STOP SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH THESE NEGATIVE, HATING, JEALOUS NAGS YOU THINK ARE YOUR FRIENDS, BUT YOU KNOW IN YOUR SPIRIT THEY AIN'T 'BOUT SHIT!!!!

6.) 25 SHOULD BE THE AGE LIMIT FOR YOU TO HAVE THE EXCUSE TO BE THAT "STUPID CHICK"! YOU SHOULD HAVE A GOOD HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDER BY THEN AND MISTAKES ARE NOT MISTAKES NO MORE, BUT JUST DUMB!!!!

7.) LISTEN TO THE ADVICE OF THE PEOPLE THAT HAS COME BEFORE YOU. THEY HAVE MADE THE MISTAKES ALREADY SO YOU MAY NOT HAVE TO EXPERIENCE IT.

8.) LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF! IF YOU WON'T DO IT.....WHO THE HELL ELSE WILL!?!

9.) DON'T BE ON THE HUNT FOR A MAN, B/C SEARCHING WILL ONLY GIVE YOU A "BABY BOY". A GOOD MAN WILL FIND YOU WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.

10.) EVEN THOUGH THIS IS THE LAST RULE, IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT TO FOLLOW AND THAT'S GOD. PUT HIM FIRST AND EVERYTHING ELSE WILL FALL INTO PLACE!

What about your friends.......?

Remember back in the day when you had that crew you use to hang so hard with.......go to the movies, walk the mall, hang in the bathroom, and have endless sleepovers. What happen to those days when having your girls around was a do or die situation, when it seemed like your whole life revolved around them? Now you're over 30 and have popped out two or three kids, and it seems like friends are far and few between. Adult relationships are not as genuine as when you were younger. Adult friendships are so one sided and are more based on status and what you can offer. No matter where you came from in your younger years, we just dressed her up in all our clothes so she wouldn't feel left out, and head out to the skating rink and have a good time! Yeah, there were some instances when there was the classic backstabbing in the circle, but these grown bitches are much more vicious! They are jealous, want what you got, and talk shit about you because you got it. Hell, they'll take your man!

I want to have those group of friends that I see on TV, like Joan on girlfriends or Samantha on Sex In The City. Why don't these sassy group of women exist in my world? I want to strap on my stilettos and grab a Cosmo or have brunch and a Mimosa with my besties. I need to have the group of women to rally together when my heart is broken and we gather around the kitchen table like Blanche and the Golden Girls to eat cheesecake at midnight. Where is my Rose?! Well, I've decided to hold auditions for three women to play the roll of my besties, my crew, my friend and a confident. You will have to be that do or die chick , crazy like Left Eye, sexy like Chilli, and cool like T-boz type of women. I will let you know the place and date of the audition later on.....get your shit together!

The Cookie Has Crumbled......The New Year Begins!

2009 brought a lot of happiness, heartache, and pain. But believe me the good has definitely out weighed the bad. God has taken things and loved ones away from me, but has blessed me with abundance beyond belief. I wish I could just sum it up in one solid lump, but too much too express. I wanted to have a pity party when things got rough, but he wouldn't allow me to do nothing but rejoice in his greatness and glory. Besides blessing me with two healthy, marvelous kids, he gave me someone so great that I can't believe what I have. A great man who tends to all my needs and desires before i even wish or imagine it. I love this with every part of my being that sometimes it hurts......now that's complicated. It's like having all your dreams come true and not knowing what to do with them........Rejoice and be glad in it ( that's what my Father keeps telling me. ).

So 2010 holds the question of," What do you do next?". I feel like I have everything that I ever wanted and more. God has blessed my family in ways beyond my dreams. Well, if I have my dreams and desires, I wish for you who reads this today to start by having your wishes come true. Your goals to be met, that man to enter your life, turn the key in your new house, crank up your dream car, land that perfect job. Its yours, its out there, go get it! I prayed it.......it will happen sooner than you think. Happy New Year!